Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
