somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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