I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
