Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
