So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
