I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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