I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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