Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
