I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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