Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
