areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
