meet me or not, i'm out of control
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
