i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You left your phone here
Wait...
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