I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
