I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
