I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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