I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
