that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
