I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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