Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
