New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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