When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We just shotgunned beers for America
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
