I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
