in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
