it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
