the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My life is pants optional.
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