Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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