Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
