I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
