Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
