I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
