Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
