sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
