forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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