he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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