something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I want to fling myself into the sun
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
