I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
