Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
