I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
