I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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