i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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