I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
