is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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