I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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