Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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