you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
