we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
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I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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