I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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