I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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