so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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