guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
