whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
