Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
