So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
