While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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