I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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