Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?