Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
